Is it ever OK to lie?
You should never lie. At least that’s what Sam Harris said in his book “Lying.” When I first read this book, about 10 years ago, it felt like a jolt of electricity. Because I realized I lied all the time!
Oh, I didn’t think of it as lying. I thought of it as helping, or being nice, or maybe impressing people. But whatever it was, I did it all the time.
So even though not lying seemed impossible, I kind of loved this idea! What if I could actually do it? What if I could just say what I had to say?
Lying says things like: I don’t trust you. I don’t want you to know about me. I’m not OK. I need to manipulate you. I’m afraid.
Telling the truth seemed to say: I trust you, here I am, I’m OK, you can make your own decisions, we are free.
So I decided to give it go. It was thrilling to really think about a question and give the most honest answer I could. I wasn’t trying to control everything, prove anything, please anyone.
How amazing to say:
Thanks for asking, and that’s not really my thing
I can see it’s important to you, and no
That was my fault, I screwed up
I figured if I kept working at this non-lying thing, eventually I would get it right, and finally become authentic. Then I would be OK. Then I would officially be a good person.
I’ve learned soooo much in my years of trying not to lie.
And yet . . .
When I do lie or conceal some part of myself, I feel like I’m doing life wrong. I’m letting myself down.
So this morning I woke up with a different idea. . .
What if it’s the other way around?
What if I start by being OK. By loving myself and all my foibles. By cutting myself some slack. By seeing that sometimes I lie, and sometimes I don’t. By seeing that some things are hard for me, and some are not. That sometimes, many times, maybe even most times, I tell the truth. And that sometimes I get scared and I lie.
What if I keep filling myself up and being loving towards myself no matter what is going on, instead of pounding myself into authenticity by trying to never lie.
What if, by allowing myself to be exactly who I am, little by little, there will be less reason to lie.
What if the authenticity comes first?
What if I’m already authentic?
And what if you are too?